I am so glad this week is over. I want to be the kind of person who finds blessings and grows from a week like this one, but I'm sticking to my story that it sucked and I'm glad it's over. I just want to get in bed and sleep all weekend. If I didn't have a baby to take care of I would get really wasted.
I mentioned that there was a lot of anger and scarcity going on for me this week. My husband and I fought almost every single day. Every day was jammed with business and busy-ness. I did morning pages two out of seven days. I just could not find time to devote to them and when I did find a little parcel of time here and there, I simply was not called to write the pages; one day I ended a half-page in with "I cannot sit here and write and drink chai while my baby cries..."
Though I pretty much blew off the homework, I kind of felt like I was doing the AW this week in an experiential way. Example. A friend of mine came upon some great good (and well deserved) fortune recently and got some writing published. Like a complete and total child, I had a private tantrum to the tune of Why not me? Why not me!!! I got angry and I realized that my anger is at myself - for not trying. For making lists of ideas and pieces to work on and submit and then never following through. So I made a committment to submitting 10 pieces of writing per month to different venues: contests, magazines, etc. I went web surfing and found only 3 venues that seemed worthwhile and bookmarked them. Sigh. I realize 10 is ambitious but if I do 5 that will be a lot more than I'm doing now.
So there was that. Then, on a more positive note, a friend called yesterday to tell me that the company she works for is interested in hiring a freelance writer and she plugged me and they are very excited to see my writing samples! Hello synchronicity! (Have I put anything together and mailed it? No! WTF is up with me? I will do it this weekend.)
Had an artist's date today at the art supply store. I was looking for a few things for the journal I'm working on (that's almost done and I promise I'll get pictures up ASAP) and I had great fun looking at all the colored pencils and crayons and sketchbooks, though I'd have no idea what to do with these items. I cruised the batik section with a touch of nostalgia, remembering the steal-your-face I batiked for an old flame more than 10 years ago. Batik is something I'd do in my ideal life. I know this means I should get to it without futher ado, but seriously, I really can't get into it without S P A C E. Lots of space and supplies and time and planning and care is required for batik. And there's the scarcity: I don't have access to those things right now.
Intention: I was thinking today of finding three other women to sing harmony with, most likely in the form of a small ensemble that sings sacred music, chants, the occasional Jane Siberry song. We would be an all-girl, a cappella group, with no fuss over instruments or gear. We would sing in the park, in unexpected places. I have no idea if I could pull this off, but I long to make harmony with women in some way.
I made some kick-ass chili tonight. Also, I had great walks this week and have been eating consciously. These things are very important to me and lifelong struggles. The fact that I showed myself that kind of consideration during a week full of drama is a sign that something is shifting. Oh it's good.
I'm sooooooooo glad this week is over. I'll be a better recovering creative next week. Really I will.
4 comments:
hey teri...so i'll apologize in advance that this may get long, but man- you sound just like me! it's interesting to hear your thoughts that i can relate to as an observer as opposed to the one going through it. this aw group has proven to be a great "your strength, my weaknesses" weekly exchange (in terms of how we feel at each check-in). i had a crappy last week and this one's been ok. fighting sucks. but it needs to happen- shit makes things grow right? i wrote a page in my mp that i counted as one by writing in huge letters that filled the page with only 10 words. rock on with your anger's "red-flag realization! it's great that you've set some goals and know that what you need to do...DO! i always plan things and end up wussing out by being lazy or insecure. and finally, you definitely should get some girls together and sing! my friends and i decided that we wanted to make music with instruments that we loved but didn't know how to play. we set up one rehearsal, practiced separately like maniacs, booked a gig, and were forced to get it together. now, it's been almost 6 months and we've got a regular gig on the weekends! it's always a challenge and so much fun. you WILL have a good week! have fun and sorry again that i've blabbed so much...take care!
you are an awesome recovering creative. walks, conscious eating and kick-ass chili are hella big things, *especially* during a craptacular week.
i wish i could be in your singing group. i REALLY REALLY wish that. rock on.
Fallow. That's what a friend of mine calls it when I moan that I haven't had a creative impulse for weeks. She points out sensibily that we need these times...
I see this whole thing, reading through your Artist's Way pages, as prompting what it's supposed to prompt - even though it's spotty.
The thought "I am afraid that if I start dreaming I'll want a different life" is a good start. If it disturbs you, then it's likely something you should think about - and act on in whatever way possible. If it disturbs you, it's in there, down deep - and while it might hibernate, it won't go away. Better to look at what is in the shadows than to have it grow big to force itself into your consciousness.
Another thought, Teri, is that I wonder WHO writes these books. Personally, I don't know anyone who manages the pages every morning. Someone with no job, no small child, no something-tugging-at-their-sleeve?
But the trying and the commitment to trying to do it helps keeps the wheels rolling. I did something similar using Natalie Goldberg's "Writing Down the Bones." She points out that if you were a runner, you wouldn't attempt the Boston Marathon never having practiced. As writers, we need to practice.
As to envy of publishing? We all get to deal with that devil, don't we? And we all feel like crap when we do. I end up asking myself why I write. Because I love to write? Or because I need to be published. I contend that the love has to be first and foremost in order to write anything worth publishing.
I'm looking forward to seeing your art journal. And I'm enjoying catching up on your progress with AW. Keep walking. And yes, find those singers...sing anywhere...and write about it.
Much love.
Thank you, beautiful, smart women. This is better than therapy! Cheaper too!
xoxo
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