Never in my blogging history have I gone more than two weeks (eeek) without posting! I have been avoiding Saint Teresa. It's just that I have completely fallen off the Artist's Way wagon and I'm just not inspired to come back. I have to be honest with myself. I have to stop making myself wrong for it. I still read lots of BTAW blogs, still get totally excited at others' progress, discoveries, lists, etc., still marvel at others' discipline, stamina, attention. I just don't feel called to come back to the program. I'm here to officially tell you (really, to tell myself) that IT'S OKAY.
What's not okay, though, is the little creative rut I've fallen into. (Coincidence, ladies and gentlemen?!) You know what I want? What I really, really want? I want to WANT to write. I want to WANT to create. Instead of regarding creativity as a homework assignment, which I avoid and then feel guilty about and deem myself a FAILURE because of, I want to feel a natural inclination to write or sing or create because it's on that list of things that feels good and because it is one of the main ingredients in The Life I Want.
Why do I watch TV at night instead of reading a book? Why do I eat things that I detest? (Like Eggo Waffles. FD&C colors in a waffle, people! Terrible!) Why do I remain silent when I have something potentially controversial to say to my sweetie? Why do I keep avoiding calling the mortgage lady? Why, after saying a million times that the only thing keeping me from running was finding a running bra that fits, am I not running in the great running bra my sister gave me for Valentines Day? What is the payoff of staying stuck in all these ways?
I know, I know. I could (and should) explore these questions in the morning pages. Damnit, there's that should. Shoulds just do not motivate me.
What does motivate me? My crying baby. She calls. I'll ponder all this while I nurse.