Monday, March 06, 2006

hello? (tap tap) is this thing on?

Remember me?

Never in my blogging history have I gone more than two weeks (eeek) without posting! I have been avoiding Saint Teresa. It's just that I have completely fallen off the Artist's Way wagon and I'm just not inspired to come back. I have to be honest with myself. I have to stop making myself wrong for it. I still read lots of BTAW blogs, still get totally excited at others' progress, discoveries, lists, etc., still marvel at others' discipline, stamina, attention. I just don't feel called to come back to the program. I'm here to officially tell you (really, to tell myself) that IT'S OKAY.

What's not okay, though, is the little creative rut I've fallen into. (Coincidence, ladies and gentlemen?!) You know what I want? What I really, really want? I want to WANT to write. I want to WANT to create. Instead of regarding creativity as a homework assignment, which I avoid and then feel guilty about and deem myself a FAILURE because of, I want to feel a natural inclination to write or sing or create because it's on that list of things that feels good and because it is one of the main ingredients in The Life I Want.

Why do I watch TV at night instead of reading a book? Why do I eat things that I detest? (Like Eggo Waffles. FD&C colors in a waffle, people! Terrible!) Why do I remain silent when I have something potentially controversial to say to my sweetie? Why do I keep avoiding calling the mortgage lady? Why, after saying a million times that the only thing keeping me from running was finding a running bra that fits, am I not running in the great running bra my sister gave me for Valentines Day? What is the payoff of staying stuck in all these ways?

I know, I know. I could (and should) explore these questions in the morning pages. Damnit, there's that should. Shoulds just do not motivate me.

What does motivate me? My crying baby. She calls. I'll ponder all this while I nurse.


Kat said...

you know what i do when i hear too many shoulds? i replace should with you could say, "i could write about this in my morning pages." less guilt factor there don't you think?

and yes, it IS ok! take baby steps. maybe you could write one page and see what happens.


eliza said...

you are delightful. this made me laugh. so charming, teri. so honest and witty and alive. i hope you find ways to explore and gently push or pull or propel or otherwise move yourself ever so gently a little further toward more things you want in your life. i hope you keep posting about your process. i am so glad you're here.

Katie said...

If you keep on doing what you've been doing, your gonna keep on getting what you've been getting.

A very wise person once said that to me and I have carried it along with me these past years. You are right, what you "should" do is not motivating. Because then it feels as if you have to, not as if you are in control. You have to do things for yourself because you "want" and then the change or motivation comes easy. It is only when we think positively and proactively that we have the desire inside to take that control that was ours all along. Sometimes we just lose our way. But I think you will find yours. Eliza is right, you are charming and very much alive. I enjoy your writing immensely :)

Teri said...

Thanks gals.

girl -- that's one of my favorite sayings! thanks for the reminder.

Marilyn said...

Having our laptop die made me fall right off the AW wagon. But since we've had a computer now for a month, I have no excuses...except that I just haven't been feelin' it. Feeling the NEED for creativity, yes...but feeling like I want to jump back smack dab on THAT wagon? Not necessarily. And that's probably why I always fell off when I tried doing it solo. I LOVE the AW group and the community that's been built up...just not feeling inspired to write morning pages...although I probably 'should' (HA!) since it would give me a place to vent a lot of workplace frustration. But I have been writing...just came at it from a different angle. Do what feels right for you...and push that Should Monkey off your back.

McPolack said...

I read something recently in a mag I keep by the potty. It said when you fall off the wagon you just get back on, as many times as you need. no need to waste time with the judging. which is easier said than done, but i feel SO much better knowing this is universal.